Everyone Struggles - Here's A Struggle Story of My Own
Recently, a couple of my students, who happen to be perfectionists like myself, have been frustrated with a lack of progress or a lack of enormous progress. Sometimes it can be very difficult to notice the small changes that are happening day by day in your voice. Other times there are noticeable improvements, but they are not all-encompassing and frustration sets in anew. Everyone feels these things at some point or another, myself included. I decided to share a recent obstacle I had to overcome that required me to work harder than I have in a long time and get through some serious self-doubt.
This past May, I had the privilege of playing Aldonza in Man of La Mancha. This character is deep, dynamic, full of rage and (eventually) hope, untapped kindness, a dark past, painful future, and so much more. Her relationship with men is rocky, to say the least and she lacks trust in anyone but herself. I, on the other hand, am perky, trusting, eternally optimistic, and (luckily) have a wonderfully happy marriage. Needless to say, this character was basically my opposite. Now, from a purely acting standpoint, I already knew this character would take me some time and a lot of crafting to play believably, but I had no clue how hard the music was going to be!
When you listen to the Man of La Mancha music, it sucks you in and envelopes you. When you sing Aldonza’s songs, you think “how on Earth am I going to do this every week without destroying my voice?!” Aldonza’s songs are belting, high soprano, gentle, rough, powerful, sweet, and everything in between. In the song It’s All the Same, for example, I had to hit an E (the second E above middle C) repeatedly. This note, for those who don’t know, is a difficult note to belt, but can be (and is for me) a weird place for my head voice. In rehearsals I kept trying to find a healthy mix placement for the note, but it just kept popping straight into my head voice. I began to get incredibly frustrated with myself. I kept thinking “My goodness, I’ve been singing my entire life and literally teach others, but I can’t do this!” I kept getting notes from my fabulous music director to keep the first verse of the song mixed, not in my head voice, and then to belt in the second verse. For weeks I was practicing in and out of rehearsal, hours on end, and I could not for the life of me find the right placement; placement that would be healthy, sustainable, and still tell the story I knew needed to be told. I tried everything I could think of and my poor husband had to deal with me angry crying a few times during this process because I was terrified that opening night would come and I still wouldn’t be where I needed to be.
FINALLY, during tech of all times (which is basically the last freaking minute), it happened. My voice found this pocket for my sound that made my voice soar. I was able to focus on telling the story of the song instead of worrying about what my voice was going to do. The relief was unbelievable. It was the healthy, gorgeous, sustainable sound I had been waiting for. All the work I had been doing was, in fact, paying off, I just wasn’t able to see it. The hours of practice were building the technique and muscle memory I needed in order to get where I wanted to be. I am so grateful to myself for persevering and working through the frustrations because that performance is one I am incredibly proud of. A pride I would not have felt had I not worked my a** off!
I share this story to let you all know that professional actors and singers share struggles just as beginners do. We push through just like beginners do. If we gave up and said “I can’t,” there would be no artists at all. You can and you will, you just have to work hard and trust the process - even in the times when it feels impossible.